I'm the Lucky One

It's exam week! Whoo hoo!! Or not.

Well, it's actually not that bad. Although I've failed my first class ever this semester, I'm not that upset. I know that I worked at it, and I just couldn't pull it off. I'll be finishing up my Spanish classes for good on Friday morning upon the completion of my 202 exam. I have to put the finishing touches on a paper for my English Ed class and turn that in by Friday at 3:30 and I'll be one step closer to reaching candidacy to be a certified English teacher! :)

The past few weeks have been intense. My to-do list was as long as the Mississippi (as it always is) and this time, I was really stressing. I cried about once a day for the past few weeks. But thank the Lord, I made it. I always do. When the walls are closing in on you, you realize what you're made of, right?
Amongst the intensity, I've discussed varying topics with friends and some profound things have been said to me, and I decided I needed to document them.

Sarah Beth Phelps and I spent a good amount of time together yesterday and as always, we talk about how amazing our Jesus is and how much we love our lives and also how much we're looking forward to what's ahead, even though we don't know where we're going with it yet. A common topics with us is our future husbands. We have our moments that we get fed up and we're tired of waiting. She told me that she was having one of those days not too long ago and she told God that. She asked Him, "I don't believe he exists anymore, Lord. I don't believe you're going to fulfill this for me. What should make me think that it's going to be worth waiting for?"
I chuckled a bit at her confession. I had had some days like that recently and so I shared with her what He had told me.

I was in the shower fighting with Jesus (we fight alot. He's sovereign and I'm stubborn...not always a good combination on my part). My suitemates always know when something is up because I take like hour long showers. Not that y'all needed to know that, but anyways. I was asking Him the same thing.
"Lord. He's going to be human. He's going to make me cry. He's going to break my heart. I'm going to disappoint him. He's going to disappoint mine. We're going to fight and sometimes not see eye to eye. How in the world is this going to be worth it? This waiting? What makes You think that this is a good idea for me?" I repeated things like that over and over again for a while. I can see my Jesus sitting in His chair (all the men in my family have their chair, and Jesus has one too up in Heaven) just looking at me. He's got this patient little smirk on His face while I'm getting my rant out because He knows I'm not going to listen until I'm done. When I had finally finished, He just looked at me with eyes so full of love and patience and understanding. He already knew these fears before I had said them. He knows how scared I am of failing and disappointing people. He knows how scared I am of being hurt. Again. With this knowledge, He just looked me and said, "Because I ordained it."
He's right. He's always right. We might not like the situations we're in. We're going to fight and fuss and complain. But our lives are His plans. We're simply called to submit and obey. Trust and obey. Obey obey obey. As I was writing this, I remember a journal entry from when I was back on Project. I was so on fire for Jesus that I wrote something like, "Lord, I don't care. I just want to bring You glory. Take me where You want. I don't care if I'm sleep deprived, stressed out, angry or any other negative emotion...I just want it to be about You." I found this journal entry at the end of last semester and I couldn't help but laugh. Everyone that knows me knows that last semester tried to kill me. But God just wanted to bring Himself glory. I brought myself before Him like a sacrifice and He took my words literally. I learned so much and I'm so glad that some of that stuff happened because I learned lessons and grew immensely spiritually and emotionally. We just have to get off of our butts and make it through the day. That's all He asks. He'll take care of the rest of it.

That was not even the reason I was planning on writing this entry. Haha. But I just got off on that tangent I guess. I've been thinking about how good my life is recently. How utterly BLESSED I am. And how much I don't deserve any of it. It's insane that I get any good thing, much less the THOUSANDS of good things I get every day. Every single day. Sarah Beth and I took off in her car and went for a drive with the windows down on Highway 70 last night just cause we could. It was a gorgeous night. I saw one of the most beautiful sunsets across a beautiful pasture that I had seen since coming back from Clearwater. The sky kept changing into different shades of blue and I was continually amazed about how beautiful our Savior is. The air was so cool and fresh and clean that I loved the smell, the taste and the sound of it. I had one of the biggest blessings in my life sitting to my left driving her car, a Diet Coke in the cup holder, good Mexican food in my belly and The Goo Goo Dolls on the stereo. A girl can't ask for more. I kept thinking that I am the luckiest person in the world. I am currently sitting in DH Hill library with a bookbag full of books, a BookStack Mocha sitting beside me and an empty water bottle. I'm wearing a Meredith College T-Shirt and I'm currently barefoot. There are few countries that have clean running water. I can choose to walk around barefoot because we live in a clean environment. Or I can pull my Rainbows out of my bookbag if I wanted to, because I'm blessed with parents that selflessly provide for me. I've lived off of coffee the last two and half weeks because these same parents send me to the university of my choice to get an education. Being a woman, that could easily be unheard of. I have been getting and sending text messages every five minutes today because for some reason, I have people in my life that love me, even though I am flawed beyond all repair. I have my earphones plugged into my computer and am listening to a Phil Wickham CD on iTunes. His songs are talking about how much my Savior loved me. He didn't have to love me. He doesn't have to forgive me daily. But He does. I can't fathom that kind of love or patience. I look at the girls that I lead in Bible Study and I want to give them the world on a silver platter. If I could ever figure out how to do it, I would. In a heartbeat. Without second guessing myself at all. But I am constantly overwhelmed at how many of them there are and how few minutes there are in the day. My Jesus isn't like that. It would be so much easier for Him to turn around and walk away, but He doesn't. No matter how many times I do, He doesn't.

At what other point in my life am I going to be able to just blow off life and get in the car with Sarah Beth and just ride for the sake of driving? At what other point in my life can I take off to Kentucky for a weekend because I just need a hug from my Ra Baby? When else can I make my own plans for the summer without consulting anyone else? I'm the lucky one. I'm so lucky. My life might be ridiculous...I might be ridiculous...but I'm also so blessed.

A question was posed to be yesterday that I found interesting:
"Will you ever date someone that your (Bible Study) girls don't approve of?"
My answer was simple: Never.
I have to be an example. I want to be an example. My girls love me and cherish me (for reasons I don't understand) and they want to see me happy one day, and the guy I date I want to be a part of their lives too. We're all one big, crazy package deal. The same with my family. They have to approve too. I come with strings attached. It's that simple. Why am I the lucky one to know these girls? To love these girls? To see their beautiful faces and hug their beautiful necks at least once a week? Why do I get the privelege of praying for them? Of having them love me back? I have broken promises to them and probably disappointed them. But they keep coming back. Their laughter is like angels singing. At the beginning of each meeting we go around the room and each girl read a verse of the passage for that week. Some days I don't even hear the words they say because the rhythm of their voices blending together saying the words to the Word that I put my hope, trust and faith in is so beautiful. That is what the body of Christ looks like. Some of girls look nothing alike, act nothing alike. I have some health nuts and some that won't touch a thing that says "low fat." I have girls that work out every day and girls that still have no idea where the gym on campus is. I have girls that can quote you whole books of the Bible and a few girls that received their first Bible this year at Crusade. But they make up my heart. They make up "my girls" that I never stop talking about. They are each more beautiful than I can ever describe. I will never understand why I have them in my life. There's no reason that I should be that blessed.

The same with my Project Family. Why do I have them? Why do they love me? They've seen every version that Rebekah Sanderson has to offer...and they send me "I love you" text messages every day. It doesn't make sense. I don't know why God smiles on me. I can't count my blessings. It's impossible. There aren't enough numbers.

I'm the lucky one.